"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
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