What books should take from movies:

(Excerpted from cracked.com)

1. Sequels: Sequels are like a license to print small bills just so you can spit on them and throw them at poor people. If publishers take up this practice as well, think of all the great works we could be reading right now! We could be perusing the action-packed Dickensian sequel we’ve all wanted to read, 2 Cities 2 Furious. Or laughing it up to The Retard, the light-hearted follow-up to Dostoyevsky’s The Idiot.

2. Explosions: Put your skills to work where they’re wanted, novelists. Nobody gives a shit how ethereal the morning dew is, but write us some explosion porn and they’ll name the Pulitzer Prize after you (as opposed to whoever it’s named for now).

3. A soundtrack: You’ve probably seen Spielberg’s classic horror film, Jaws, right? Have you ever tried watching it on mute? Without his titular theme song, Jaws (that’s the shark’s name) doesn’t look ominous; he looks lost. When seen in utter silence, Jaws isn’t scary. It watches more like the tragic story of a shark with autism just trying to find his way home.

4. Celebrity cameos:

An example of how a celebrity cameo could potentially liven up an existing classic:

“These women do prattle so, do they not Mr. Baracus?” Mr. Darcy said, leaning in casual repose against the door.

“Indeed, sir,” replied Mr. Baracus. “They are quite foolish in their way, and I for one do not suffer fools lightly. Actually, it is quite the pity they inspire in me.”

5. Slow motion: For example, here’s what the Matrix could be like, in novel form:

He takes a step, and then another and another. Now there’s another step. Now it’s only half a step, and he starts to lift off the ground just a little bit. Now he’s kind of in the air but not really. Now he’s more in the air. Now he’s totally in the air and seriously about to kick a guy in the face.

Neo is kicking a guy in the face.

Neo is still kicking a guy in the face.

His trenchcoat is flapping. Flap. Flaaaap. Flaaaaaaaaap.

….Flaaaaaaaaaap.

Should have started with: Murder!

OMD (oh my days)

Kanye West is SO weird, I just love him. Excerpt from an open letter to KW: (I recommend you read the whole letter, it's very clever.)

Dear Mr. West,

On behalf of my daughter, who is due on October 8th and so thus far has been shielded by the womb from the loud, generally vacuous remarks of all current celebrity-cum-philosophers - and on behalf of every child living in America who has ever been negatively influenced by a "Kanye-ism" - I would just like to say: Shame on you, 'Ye.

Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life.

These are your words that you employed, oddly enough, while promoting your own forthcoming book, Thank You and You're Welcome. This tome of "theories" is reportedly composed of 52 pages and possibly fewer words, since many pages contain only a single almost-sentence, and others are left blank - perhaps a nod toward your blank sense of responsibility for those who pay attention to what you say.

Ahh the rites of spring...

The first spring my present store was open, I remember my fellow Fiction staffer telling me it was his favourite time of the year. Why? Because this is when all the girls come out of their winter clothes and start wearing skirts and small tops again.

Years later one of my manager friends downtown described to me the lunchtime scene one day, when he stepped out of the store to enjoy the spring sun and enjoy the women walking by. And when he looked up and down Ste. Catherine's Street, he saw men up and down the street doing the same thing.

Just now I was reading an essay by a woman who went to school with Leonard Cohen in the 1950s, and she tells this story:

One day I saw him standing with his closest buddy, Morty Rosengarten, on the corner of Sherbrooke Street. "Where are you going?" asked I, who was always on my way somewhere. "We're watching the girls come out for spring," he said, just standing there.