"You don't know me!"

What not to write

When I was researching my last book I came across some news stories about the Haisla's years of searching for the G'psgolox totem pole, and how they finally found it in Sweden, and then all the shit they had to go through to get it back. And I told some people it would make a great children's story if you told it from the point of view of the totem pole: Kidnapped! Carried across the sea! Hidden away in storage for decades! Decay! Near Death! Revival in a Museum, but so far from home! Homesick! And then the excitement of being found and finally taken back to your home! ...It's a great story.

[Ooh look! It's one of the NFB films now offered for free on their web site!]

But I couldn't write a book like this without proper research. By which I mean, in-person research, as well as permission. Or a co-authoring. Otherwise it's about as bad as running off with the pole in the first place. Here's an article that describes the thinking I went through:

How to Turn a Traditional Indian Story into a Children’s Book (for fun and profit)

1. Go to a special collections library and peruse the traditional Indian stories told to and written down by non-Indian anthropologists. Don’t worry about asking anyone’s permission to use or change the stories you discover—Indians may consider many of them sacred, but according to copyright law, they are public domain and yours for the taking.

2. Choose a particular story that resonates with you. Carefully extricate all of its cultural markers. Be sure to remain oblivious to the language and lives of the people whose story you hold in your hands. That way, you can be more objective.

3. Magnify the details you think are important—and get rid of everything else. Cut out all references to violence, sex, bodily functions, spiritual beliefs, or anything else you don’t particularly like or understand.

4. Belabor the prose to make it seem more authentic. For instance, if the story reads, “There was no fire here then, only far upriver at world’s end,” change it to: “Long ago, the animal people had no fire. Day and night, they huddled in their houses in the dark, and ate their food uncooked. In the winter, they were so cold, icicles hung from their fur. Oh, they were miserable!”

5. Improve on the dialogue. Let your imagination run wild. If the story reads, “I am going!”, change it to: “Farewell, my parents, and do not grieve. I have another home under the sea and I’m going there!”

6. Find a talented illustrator who is good at copying artifacts in a museum. Make sure he has seen “Dances With Wolves.” Or, forget about authenticity altogether—find an artist whose imagination is as fanciful as yours. In any event, make sure that the illustrations match your interpretation—your vision, if you will—of your story.

7. Have your manuscript and illustrations vetted by several non-Indian anthros. Make sure to thank them in the introduction. Call up an Indian, too—any Indian. Even if she hangs up on you, you can thank her in your introduction. After all, she picked up the phone when you called.

8. Think up an imaginative title that will make a publisher see in­come potential. Calling your story a Coyote story is good. Publishers like things called Coyote stories, even if they’re not. If the publisher bites, you can always make your story a Coyote story.

9. Remember to write under your title the phrases, “a Native American legend” (or “myth”) and “retold by” (you).

10. After your manuscript and illustrations are complete, write a short preface about the Indians who “told” this “myth” or “legend.” (Remember to discuss them in the past tense.) Also make sure to refer to Indian spiritual beliefs (even if you don’t really know anything about them) as “superstitions.”

11. Done! Now sit back and collect your awards. Be well praised by reviewers for your warm, sensitive, storytelling and the sympathetic voice you have given to “America’s first people.”

12. Be prepared to sit on multicultural panels throughout the country, educating and enlightening the thousands of eager teachers and librarians who thirst for your knowledge.

As I watch my MASH for the night...

I really like Firefox because of all the add-ons. I like having some control over the nets! Here's what I use so far...

Bookmarks Duplicate Detector: Alerts me if I try to bookmark something twice.
CuteMenus2: I like to see a symbol associated with menu items--they're faster to identify.
Foxmarks Bookmark Synchronizer: Syncs my bookmarks with Safari, in case I use it for some reason.
Quicknote: A notepad that opens in a sidebar. I use it sometimes.
ScrapBook: You can save web pages (with pics etc), add notes to them, organize them etc. Good for archiving a blog.

Newbies I'm trying:
TimeTracker: Tracks how long you're on the internets. So far tonight: 1 hour and 14 mins.
Easy Comment: To auto fill out blog comments.
Read It Later: To bookmark something you want to read/watch later, but you don't want to permanently bookmark it. This I'm in for.

Edutainment!

I've got Oprah and Dr Phil on mute today, as I eat breakfast and internetize. Oprah had Ted Haggard--I couldn't stomach much of that one. But I see something promising on Doc Phil: A return to normal topics!

For the past few years I've stopped watching him as he became too sensationalistic, chasing around criminals, and following only the most fucked up/weird/unusual families who have problems that a majority of us can't identify with or benefit from.

When he first appeared on Oprah many many years ago, and when he started his own show, Fernando and I watched him all the time. He talked about normal marital fights and child-rearing problems, common fears people have, etc.--and offered sensible tips on how to handle them, many of which I benefited from. But success clearly got to him, and once he started in on selling diet products I was OUT.

But today he's talking about the surprises people get after marriage if they don't know each other well enough. (She can't name his three best friends!) And tomorrow's show is about people who need to "grow up!" Ahhhh noooormal topics.

Grrrr...

Every once in awhile internetting drags me off into long tangents, like the morning I spent reading about Jonestown. One tangent I always have to resist is Scientology. This is such a criminal organization, it makes me mental. At least mobsters and biker gangs don't masquerade as self-help religions.

cartoonz

Whatsa matter for you?!

A Marx Brothers movie is just what I needed after this work week.

I'm up to this scene in Animal Crackers, and I love Harpo at this part. I love the faces he makes, like the Suspicious Look when he's dealing the cards.