Earlier this week I had a mild Dark Night of the Soul. Let's call it an Overcast Day of the Soul. I've been fretting, for a couple months now, that maybe I don't have the discipline or drive to ever get published. If I'm never published that's okay, cause it's really hard; but how much I max out my possibilities is up to me. So I've been feeling un-maxed.Bill: The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing.
Ted: ... ... ... That's us dude!
(Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)
It's not just because I work full-time again, though of course that's part of it. It's a question of what happens to that non-work time.
* Movies - I rarely go to the movies, and don't rent them much. So that's ok.
* TV - I can avoid getting overly committed, but I'm fooling myself if I think I can give up PBS mysteries and other good British tv, and some comedies. And I occasionally get a new DVD set that I enjoy working my way through, like Entourage.
* Books - Well obviously I'm not about to give up reading. I usually have about 5 on the go at one time, and usually read every morning before work.
* Internets - Here's the real culprit. And I'd be fooling myself to think I can cut down on it. I've tried, it just doesn't happen. It divides into...
- communicating with people I know: Not too bad. I check email about once a day, and give facebook a good read about once a week.
- blogging: Time consuming, but something I've committed to.
- commenting: I do a bit.
- reading or listening to music: This is where most of the time goes. I'm fascinated by almost everything. Today I read a comparison of baby strollers, even though I don't possess anything of babylike substance. If online reading were packaged into page numbers, I'd be through several War & Peaces by now.
And so my inner head wheel kept running... what to give up? How to give it up?
I poured out my woes to my husband. And thankfully he came through with the goods. [Pictured here, with Nombly whispering the secrets of the universe into his ear.]My husband feels--as do I--that I'm not a super smarty at any one thing. I'm kind of a B+ or A- in everything I undertake. I have a few B's, like cooking, but anything less than a B (aka: sports) and I lose interest.
- I have a good, general knowledge of music
- I have a broad but not very deep knowledge of literature / books
- I have fairly good, natural people skills
- I'm funny, but I'm not The Funny Kid at the Back of the Class
- I'm smart, but I have friends much smarter than me --> I was an A- in English Lit, and an A- in Political Science.
- I know a lot of Stuff, but I don't remember details, and I don't think fast on my feet, so I'm not a good Trivial Pursuit player.
- I'm a pretty good teacher, but I'm not Oh My God THAT Teacher
- I'm a good writer, but I'm not The Next PG Wodehouse, waiting in the undiscovered wings
Back to Fernando's Opinion. Fernando has always thought that what I'm best at is taking all these its and bits of things I know, and putting them together in a useful or interesting way.
So his question for me, during this Overcast Day of the Soul, was: Would you still write like a London Mabel if you didn't do all the things that you love to do? They might detract from my time, but I also don't know what they contribute towards my style and content.
And that idea sat so totally right with me, that I sat in the Subway restaurant feeling slightly stupid.Since as long as I can remember I've been preaching the gospel of Stop Looking at Other People and Just Be Yourself, and I've been breaking this very rule. It shouldn't surprise me that breaking a Cardinal Value led to an overcast soul. Let's say there is a Type of Person who gets published, because they're more disciplined about they spend their time, and therefore I diminish my chances at being published because of Who I Am. Well now, that's quite alright with me. Cause I can't be anyone else.
And of course once I had this Epiphanical Moment my writer's block (researcher's block) unblocked and I've spent the past 3 days working on my book.
I guess this what Oprah would call an Aha Moment. It felt more like Uh Duh Moment, à la Missy Elliott. Must be why I married someone smarter than myself.
1 comment:
I find that my "speciality" is in being a generalist - knowing a little about many different things allows me to sometimes see the connections that others might not see - the patterns that exist around us that specialists might not be aware of.
And then I find ways of communicating these patterns and connections to others using various media. I've always dabbled in writing, and also enjoy making short youtube vids, but maybe I'll even write a song one day? ...
I've also discovered that I'm not a fiction writer. But instead I love to find interesting ways to bring out the real-life stories I see all around me.
I just share this fwiw - maybe you too have a calling as a Seer of patterns. I find our conversations always enlightning as you present me with viewpoints I had not been aware of. You also have great skills in editing. This is not the task that usually gets much attention, but without great editors/coaches, many writers would never reach their goal or finish their projects.
I'm not saying that editing is Your Calling - but it is at the very least, One Thing you do well and should keep in your bag of tricks.
Thanks for sharing,
Post a Comment