A father for Father's Day

I don't know how much I've talked about my father on this blog, but Father's Day has come and gone (it's past midnight here) and I owe him some public rec. ;-) First, some appropriate music. (My dad got me into Bruce Cockburn.)



Okay. I read a blog by a romance author--she's blogging every day for I think 2 years, leading to her 40th or something. She's in the middle of a divorce, has two daughters, and so a lot of the blog is about the tough issues of getting out of a bad marriage and moving on. And there's a passionate community who post in response, a mixture of encouragement and their own experiences. Yesterday Lucy blogged about Father's Day, asking--what is the role of the father? Cause she was essentially (and then physically) raised by her mother.

I personally think there isn't a set Thing that either a father or mother should provide. What I think is great about two parents (and I got three!) is the variety. The things you don't learn from one, you can learn from the other. The one parent doesn't have to be Everything to the child. I can't say that the things my dad gave me were quintessentially Fatherly, except for being the main breadwinner (which I do appreciate.) But they were the things only he could give me, and I value them so much I can't imagine my life without these elements.



NURTUREMENTOSITY
My stepmommy is very firm and confident, and my mother is outgoing! and expressive! My dad is quiet and gentle. He was the one who heard me when I woke up after a nightmare, and came to comfort me. He gave us back tickles at bedtime. He was attentive when we were sick--read to bring soup in your favourite mug. It's not only mothers who can be nurturing.

HUMILTY
My mother and I were always too alike when we had fights, so they could get very emotional. And my step-mother is a forgiving person, but kind of Proud. My dad was the one who would usually bend first after we'd had a fight--I could count on that knock on my bedroom door, and a calm, quieter follow-up conversation. He was always able to apologize first, and made me feel like I was loved unconditionally. I can't say I've modeled him in this way... but I was smart enough to marry someone with the same quality!


STORYTELLING
My mother was the big book reader and intro'd me to many of my fave authors, and step-mommy and I shared a couple great lit loves; but I remember my dad as the main bedtime-story-reader. He did voices, he was expressive, and he seemed really interested. We bonded over some of our favourites, like the Father Christmas stories, the Church Mice, the Berenstain Bears, Monkeys drumming drumming on drums, and some series about a knight ghost which I can't find now. I associate my childhood reading with my dad. He made up stories too. And when I was sick, he told me this whole story about the little men who can't start construction on your cold until you fall asleep, so it's important to fall asleep soon! He described allll these different little men, with their shovels and pick-axes, their packed lunches, looking at their watches, waiting impatiently to get to their work. I lurved these tales.



THERENESS
My dad was a pilot, so it fell upon my mothers to do a lot of one-act parenting; but when he was home, he was home. He's never been a drinking-at-the-bar guy, at least not that I remember! Though he must have been gone all the time, I don't feel like he was. He brought us home a sticker from each port of call (province), which my brother stuck to his bed, and I stuck to my wardrobe. He came to my kindergarten class to talk about being a pilot, and I was Quite Proud of this.

CARING
Bonding with the stepmommy and mommy was easy, cause of course we're girls. My mum and I are a lot alike so I kind of naturally worshipped her, and I pretty much worshipped my Gorgeous Modelling Child-adoring Barbie-hair-tangle-ridding stepmother when she entered my life. But in the post-divorce years we were more alone with my father than before, because my parents had joint custody (and it was pre-step-mommy.) I remember even feeling a little bit shy when it was just me and my dad. But a part of my recognized that he Cared and there for me.

--> One day my brother got to stay at school for lunch, for some special reason. So my dad arranged for us to have a picnic with my stuffed animals on the living room floor.
--> And my dad bought me curlers once. My brother felt it was unfair because it seemed to him my dad was buying me "practical girl stuff" but my brother knew I would just play with them, and therefore it was a toy! I actually felt guilty about it, but I think a part of me understood (at age 9-ish?) that it was my dad attempting to father a girl, and that's how it should be seen. Maybe he didn't know what I *needed* but he made the attempt.
--> A couple years later we lived with step-mommy in Winnipeg, but she moved back to Montreal for half that last year, which was a lonely time for me. (My mum lived in Edmonton.) Our school hosted a fund-raising tea party for the parents, and I remember my dad coming to that. Which I appreciated.

EMOTION
--> Even for the rest of the years since then, I've always seen my dad as someone who really cares about being a good father and husband, and I guess that's what's always made it pretty easy for me to shrug off any mistakes. That's why I compare him to the father in Parenthood, and to Dr Katz. He's not afraid to show emotion, even though his parents weren't very emotionally expressive, and it doesn't come naturally to him. He'll just make himself do it -- give someone a hug, or say that he love us, or send us mushy greeting cards. I think *the boys in the family* don't always know how to take it, but I don't care about the Smoothness of the Act. I just care about effort, and the emotion behind it.


INVESTMENT!
--> My dad can also get Really Involved in what you're up to, especially my brother, maybe because they had a rockier relationship in the younger years. Eg. When Delyriam and I did the cooking and planning for our own very small wedding, he tried to encourage us to do it professionally. Part of that is his "let's go" mode--he's got a strong dreamer streak. Likes to brainstorm I guess. It's probably something none of us understand well, so hopefully he has someone in his life about whom he could blog "Person X is the only person who understands this about me!" But again, I would rather have an over-interested father, than an uninterested one. It feels like he's very personally invested in our happiness. That's alright, non? :-)


INTEREST
Like my mothers, my dad showed an interest in my life. He got to know my friends, and they all liked him. He was friendly and funny with them, and fixed our bikes. The first time my best grade 7 friend (Swissgirl) came to my house, he answered the door wearing this creepy old man mask he owned, which she found vair amusant. He let me have innumerable sleepovers, and sleep over at my friends' homes.

MORNINGS
In the first hour when I awake, I am Satan Come to Earth--and not the nice, funny Satan of South Park. Other than my roommate Delyriam, no one has ever put up with my morning self like my dad did. In early marriage my husband would bring me tea and a bagel, but I snapped at him one too many times and totally lost the privilege. But when I was 20, a student painter and housekeeper, I had to get up at UNGODLY hours; my dad was usually up before me, and he'd make me toast, and pour me juice, and make me a sandwich, and be nice, and sweet with me even though I was Grumpy and Unresponsive. You can see how much it meant to me by the way I've remembered it! He made those jobs just barely bearable.




CORE VALUES
My step-mother taught me a lot of values by the way she lives, and my mother really gave me my politically moral upbringing (re. race, gay people, etc.); but many of the really core morals I carry with me, I remember getting from my dad. Honestly, this is probably the #1 thing I feel he gave me. I picture us leaving the house at 150 Woodhaven (grade 2 or 3) and saying I hated something trivial, like maple ice cream; and my dad's reply was "Hate is a strong word." I don't remember anything else he might have said. I think I was AWED by this simple lesson, and I never forgot it. To this day I don't think there's much I can say I hate, and I don't think I hate anyone I personally know. I reserve that emotion for Special Circumstances.

CV WITH MUSIC!
He also bought this Christian album which was in parts a bit too sappy, but in other parts I loved. We weren't churched, and while I believed in God (someone to pray to when you hoped your parents would say yes to a sleepover), I wasn't at all interested in church and Christian Jesusee weirdness. But this album had a song representing each "fruit of the spirit" and to this day it's one of the main, most important passages from the Bible that I find relevant and helpful to my life--that the kind of person you are at heart can be known by the "fruits" you bear: Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. We loved the sound effect of the machine (whir whir chika chika bom bom psst!) The "patience" song was our favourite cause it was silly. I approved of the "kindness" song, cause it included being kind to your sister and to animals. And I secretly loved the "gentleness" song because I completely identified it with my father.



CV WITH BOOKS!
And then there was a series of children's books my dad bought that were about teaching morals to kids. This was in the same period as the music machine, so maybe my dad was worrying I was turning into a psychokiller or something. Anyway, you would read the stories with your parent, and then I guess there were discussion points. I remember really liking them as bedtime stories, and probably enjoying this way of "bonding" with my dad. My brother shared the same room so maybe he remembers them, but he was too old for this sort of thing.

CV WITH CHURCHINESS! AND LONG DISCUSSIONS!
It was because of my dad that we started going to a church when I was 15/16. It was a weird church, and other people have been burned by it; by we didn't grow up in it, so it was a pretty positive experience in the main. Besides meeting my husband there, it was something we did as a family. And it was probably the first, and to this day the main, bonding area I had with my dad. My dad is very intelligent, and quite philosophical, so in later years when I started college we also talked politics and economics and such. But talking about religious ideas was the first real fertile common ground I felt we had. And my dad is still the person who I think understands that part of me better than anyone; I'm more able to be "myself" and really express my thoughts and ideas around him, more than anyone else. When I visit my parents out west, we'll usually have one morning (my morning, their lunch) where we get into a conversation on some spiritual or intellectual topic, and go at it for about three hours.

With sick birds at the bird refuge.

ANYTHING ELSE?
I'm trying to think if I missed anything. Did I tell you my dad is kind to animals? That he's always had this great relationship with a good handful of teenagers at the different churches he's attended? I think he shows them that same encouragement he always gave my brother and I ("you can do anything!"), and has been a somewhat more liberal representation of Christianity for some of them. That he's kind to his mother and sisters? That he tries to speak well of people? That he sends me nice prezzies? Gives good advice on home repairs and house inspections? Is very gratitude-ee? Helped me analyze poetry in college? I'm sure there's a bunch of things I'm missing, but I think the above just about covers the key things I love and appreciate about my dad.

I've been trying to stop using the word awesome, cause I'm sick of it, but I feel safe applying Maewitch's latest expression: My dad is made of awesomesauce.