But in the past year I've found another theme emerging... I'm not sure what to call it yet. So let me go historically.
When I was little I was bossy. My parents say when they took me to the park, I'd have all the kids organized and following me around. I also made friends easily. I could be at a pool I'd never been to, and I'd make a friend while I was there. So, like, there are some qualities we're probably born with right? And they're easiest to see in childhood.
But then, you know, Life Happens. I had a couple meh experiences in late high school that made me reluctant to be leadershippy and I started taking a backseat in university and at work. I owe it to my current work place that I rediscovered my inner leader. I wasn't trying to take charge of things, but what I've learned since being a manager is that other people can see qualities in you that you don't know you have (wow, that is so Hanuman!)--in a good work place, anyway. I just kept getting promoted.
Actually, I should thank my church years too. They always encouraged you to volunteer for stuff, so by the time I stopped attending I had held almost every single volunteer position (from my humble beginning handing out hymnals with Fernando, to being on the church board.) I liked being on the church board so much it was the only thing that kept me going to church in the end. That all came before this job (a little overlap) so I guess it was Church First, Job Second.
I can safely say I've recovered that quality.
The friend making thing took a hit too in high school. (Curse you teen years!) A pretty big hit. And while I recovered from the bulk of it after one long, painful summer, the Mistrust still stuck with me. I kept my old friends, I made new friends, I made new friends in college and university and at my job, so that wasn't the problem. But the girls who hurt me in high school basically talked about how much they hated me behind my back (one of the problems they had was... bossiness! Doh!), but put on a friendly face, and landed it all on me after the last exam before summer. I had only the slightest inkling that something was wrong, but I did not foresee having an entire group of friends dump me in one fell swoop. (Thank God one of my friends was out with mono!)
So to this day I cannot stand the feeling that someone is lying to me or pretending to like me more than they do. I mean, if we have to work together or something, of course I expect polite tolerance. But anytime I catch the slightest gossip that someone is mouthing off in a fit about me, but telling me "Oh we're good, we're good" ... woah la. If you don't like, that's fine--but make it clear puppy.
In case you haven't noticed, I can't honestly say I've recovered from that one. Most of the time if I feel distrust for a friend creeping in, I ruthlessly beat it back. I work very hard to combat the instinct because it's not fair to my friends, but at the same time I wish the instinct wasn't there. "I want my innocence back! Waaaah!"
On a much lesser note, the other thing about me which has taken a few kicks to the rear is my sense of humour. That's the fault of my job, and of holding leadership positions. You can't expect 60 employees to get your sense of humour. ;-) Hmm. Not just my sense of humour, but my candidness. I'm a very honest person, and one of my first managers warned me about it. She said she liked it because it made her trust me, but warned me it could hurt me.
I don't begrudge these experiences really, because I did learn good things from them. It's just hard to draw the line between moderating your behaviour in certain circumstances, and moderating your personality. So I guess the second thing emerging in my 30s is I'm trying to figure out where I want that line to be. I'm questioning whether I've sometimes crossed too far into changing my personality.
When I was about 13 my best friend's mother told me I should make more spelling mistakes in my letters to my friend (I'd moved away) because they intimidated my friend. I was floored. How do I make spelling mistakes? And my mom once told me (long long time ago) that I intimidated my brother when I would get into something new and I'd research it to death. (I've never told him that story--it was well intentioned of course, but I'm sure his response to this posting is going to be: What the! Damn!) And a couple years ago I was advised by a good friend to back off in work meetings because I was dominating them.
Learning to moderate my bossiness was a good lesson which I've mostly learned. But I can't moderate it so much that I don't step up and be my best self. I also can't moderate it so much that I'm always worrying about other people's feelings, or worried that other people won't assert themselves because I'm taking up too much space. As a woman I went to school with used to say: "Really? I mean... really?"
If I back down will these people really step up to the plate and start contributing? I'm willing to take myself back a fraction so that the ones who will step up can step up. But I will not back down for those who can't put enough energy into asserting themselves. I take up a lot of room in this world, true. (Ahhh that must be my Inner Earring showing through.) I'm slowly getting to the "I'm done apologizing" stage. I had one recent experience where I think I sort of offended or hurt the feelings of someone, in a work setting, and it was over something so silly (and I didn't do anything wrong, but the person had such a Look on their face)... oh man... I just couldn't. I made a joke about it, and if I can avoid doing it again I will--I will do that out of respect. But I did not bring it up again or apologize. It was way too ridiculous. That's new for me.
I'm really understanding what many women in their 40s and 50s go through. This is why people over 60 are constantly pissing off their families, and they know it, and they don't give a shit. They're givng their 5 year old selves free reign again. Unfortunately some 5 year olds are little beasts, but hey--I'm getting it now. I'm feeling a bit like P!nk's latest song: "So what! I'm still a rock star! I'm having more fun! Nya na na na na!"
I should probably give some *respect* to my family and my closest friends after all this. My family and I get along like tomatoes and olive oil (healthier together than apart). My mom, dad, step-mother and brother are the one core group I know will always LIKE me (which is different than loving me) and let me be myself, even when I'm obnoxious. I've never doubted them for a nanosecond, and I LIKE them too! And of course, that goes double for the one family member who likes me, but is also the most honest with me, Fernando. And of course that goes triple for Ernie (RIP), Nombly, Sherry and Haley who will always like me as long as I keep the food train running.
As for friends, I guess there are three with whom I feel absolutely comfortable. (You already know that the list of people I adore and love to spend time with is longer, but these are the 3 people who are the people My Doubts have trouble working against.) High School BF and I have had some ups and downs (it's been 20 years after all) but the girl is freakishly hard to offend, gets my jokes, doesn't read into shit, and I feel confident that she acts like herself around me too. I know who she is, and that's the first step in having a really trusting relationship I think. Plus we were always the loudest on the bus, and the first to get on the floor at the school dances.
Mae has been irked by me at times, but she's just Honest about it. The first time she showed me around a house she was thinking of buying, she pointed out all the aesthetic things she loved about it, and then said: "I'm afraid you're judging me for my loves-of-the-aesthetics!" Just like that. She just said it. That's what she does, and that's why I trust her. Plus she's a know-it-all like me, and we can mostly only be know-it-alls around each other.
And then there's Gilby, who likes me because of the things others call faults. Gilby is, in some ways, me without the hangups. He would stop being friends with me if I stopped being myself. When he met me he had an Ayn Rand moment (in Ayn Rand novels, likeminded people always Recognize Each Other upon first meeting.) And he is totally forthcoming with his love. We iz all about the love, like a hippie love in.
"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool." Theodore Rubin
Well, that was a bit of an inner child rant. I feel better now. ;-)
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