Scenes from a marriage - Food Fight

Best 1970s play title to come out of a marital fight:

I Never Agreed to Let You Control My Strawberries (I Would Have Remembered)

Scenes from an office - The Potty Mouthed VP

I wasn't present for this scene. A friend recollected it.

Scene: Many many years ago, in a company that no longer exists. Friend in office and overhears the following. Regional manager on speaker-phone conference call with many managers and a VP. Manager X is describing a problem, and it comes to light that his store is receiving the warehouse shipments improperly.

VP - You're receiving the warehouse shipments by scanning?
X - Errrr yes?
VP - You're supposed to receive them in techy-tech mode!! Who else is scanning warehouse shipments?? If I catch anyone scanning warehouse shipments I'll cut off their heads and shit down their throats!!


...True story, my dear reader. True story.

Scenes from a family - Kicking the Cat

Scene: Me reading in bed. Husband wanders in.

Fernando - Did you feed the cats? Haley's screaming bloody murder out here.
Mabel - [fed up with Haley bad mouthing her all the time] Yes! I fed them an hour ago! That's why I yell at her!!
Fernando - Well there's no need to yell at her. ...Just kick her.


Note: No, we don't kick our cats. And only I yell at them.

Scenes from a family - The Starving Children

Scene: Fernando is petting Haley-cat. The TV is on, and a sad-music-poor-children-charity ad comes on.

Fernando - I don't want to watch something sad!
Mabel - Change the channel.
Fernando - I can't reach the remote, Haley won't let me.
[Haley climbs off Fernando.]
Mabel - Looks like Haley doesn't want to watch starving children either.
Haley - I want to EAT starving children!
Mabel - Haley. HALEY. HALEY! ...Inappropriate. Inappropriate.

Scenes from a cat - Beauty Routines

Scene: Haley sitting on my chest, painfully licking my cheek.

Haley - Mahmmy! You need to exfoliate more often. This is disgusting!

For some reason I imagine that Haley pronounces my name like this: Mahmmy. Almost "mammy" but not quite.

Scenes from a marriage - Across the Distance

Scene: Fernando is playing Word of Warcraft at his computer in the corner of the living room. I'm sitting on the sofa listening to Diane Birch and reading email.


Fernando - I like it when you play music while I'm playing [at his computer.]

Mabel - Why?

F - Because it's romantic. All these years I've been trying to teach you about romance.

M - Because the music connects us across the great space of the living room?

F - Exactly. It's what I've been trying to teach you. It's so hard to teach someone who doesn't want to learn.

Scenes from a marriage - Sunglasses

Scene: On a bus, Fernando is wearing Mabel's oversized rhinestone studded sunglasses.


Fernando - I'm glad you can handle my flashiness. Not all wives could handle this level of flash.

Mabel - But you're always upstaging me in front of my friends.

Fernando - It is what it is, my love.

Scenes from an office - The List

Years ago I worked with someone who was a great coworker, and is still a friend, but who seemed to Hate a lot of things. I don't know if it was because he was getting tired of the job, or if he's always like this. But he would have these regular outbursts of "I hate--!"

Another coworker and I started secretly writing a list of his Hates whenever he said them. I wish I still had it. There's only three that I remember.

#1 "I hate people who don't have answering machines!" - He thought it was barbaric.

#2 "I hate Elie Weisel types!" There was me--aghast: "You can't hate holocaust books! It's not allowed!" But then I realized he meant books that were put on the market in a wide variety of formats.

#3 The best one: "I hate intertextuality!"

Actually, he's French-Canadian, so it came out: "I hate intertextualité!"

Scenes from a marriage - High Five

Scene: On the bus, Mabel asks Fernando for a high five, which he doesn't give.

Mabel - You left me hanging. You never leave a brother hanging.
Fernando - Good thing you're not a brother.

Scenes from a marriage - The Talking Cat

Scene: Mabel and Fernando on livingroom couch. Cat Haley is sitting on Mabel's chest, and Mabel is dropping kisses on her cheeks.

Mabel - Are your kisses sweeter than wine?

Haley (Fernando) - Wouldn't you like to know!

Scenes from a marriage - The Ewok Cooking Song

Scene: Fernando is trying to tell a work story.

Mabel - You know when you're working, sometimes you should sing: Looka look laka loooola.

Fernando - [no reply]

M - Looka look laka loooola. That would help your work along.

F - [no reply]

M - I guess you're ignoring me.

F - I think we've reached that portion of the evening. Where I ignore you, and you sing looka look laka loooola.

Scenes from a cat - Molière and the Demon-Monkey

Scene: Sherry likes to eat his food a little bit at a time, over hours; whereas Haley gobbles hers' down in a nanosecond. When I'm at work I lock Sherry up with his bowl of softies; but in the evening I like him to be free, so I keep his bowl next to me. This has a two-fold effect of keeping Haley amused, because she spends the rest of the night trying to outwit me, to get the food. And she's often successful.

Mabel - Monkey! [Grabs Haley and flips her on her back, and then props the kobo eReader on cat's belly.] Do you need your own kobo?

Haley [sounding like Fernando] - I want my own kobo.

Mabel - To keep you amused?

Haley - Yaaaa.

Mabel - This is Molière. Can you read in French?

Haley [no reply]

Mabel - She's giving me the silent treatment now. Monkey!

Haley [in Mabel's voice] - If you can't tell the difference between a monkey and a cat, well, you're even stupider than I assumed.

Fernando - Do you really think she'd say that?

Mabel - You mean be rude?

Fernando - It seems out of character.

Mabel - You're like the father who's blind to his little girls' faults. You don't realize what a demon you harbor in your home. [Looks down at the cat, still propped on her back, legs in the air.] Monkey-demon!

[The monkey-demon growls.]

Scenes from a marriage - You're weird Lefty

Scene: Fernando has spent the night at my cat sitting stint. On the bus going home he brings up how mad our own cats will be at being fed so late.

Mabel - Haley's probably escaped through the window by now and she's holding people up for cat food money. She'll be in a shoot out with the cops by the time you arrive. 'You dirty cops! You'll never take me!'

Fernando - I'm glad to be going home to my kitties.

M - What, my kitties [the ones I was sitting] aren't good enough for you?

F - They're ok, but a bit weird, Lefty.

M - I always eat kitty sandwiches.

F - Not on my watch.

M - ... ... Good job. High five.*


* This is the first time in 15 years he's carried the Shreddies Routine almost to completion.

Scenes from a marriage - Feeding Sherry

Scene: Fernando is getting soft food for Sherry-bones the cat. Mabel hears the microwave being used.

Mabel - Are you microwaving Sherry's food?

Fernando - I like to take a bit of food and make it really hot, and then mix it with cold food, for the perfect temperature.

M - ...No wonder you never want to feed the cats.

[F comes in bearing Sherry's food, which clearly came from the can and was not tampered with.]

M - Why do you lie to me so much?

F - I have a love of the absurd.

Sherry--his neck looks like a chicken because Fernando cut off the mane.

Scene from the past - Being Demoted

I don't really know how to write this one out. (To quote Woody Allen, maybe if I got a little drunk I could dance it for you.)

The choking of Ozzel and promotion of Piett...

always reminds me of a staff meeting years ago.

Our old general manager had left, and instead of promoting the guy we thought they'd promote (let's call him Joe), they brought in a newbie. Some head office bigwig or two was present to announce Newbie, at a staff meeting. The Newbie was so nervous he was reading a little speech from cue cards so, naturally, we were all being a bit snicker-ee.

I vaguely remember Gilby and I sitting in the back row re-envisioning the Admiral Piett scenes, with the Bigwig choking the Newbie ("you're as clumsy as you are stupid") and then turning to Joe to utter the famous phrase:

"You're in command now, General Manager Joe."

Scene from the past [recreation from memory]

Scene: Sometime in the 1990s. Living room of Mabel and her roommate Delyriam. Mabel's brother Pablo, and Delyriam, are each holding one of the kittens, flying them around the room.

Pablo [looking over his shoulder to Delyriam whose hot on his tail] - I can't see him! I can't see him! ... It's on me tight I can't shake him! ... [Delyriam and kitten is blown away.] Thanks Wedge!

Scenes from a job - Les Canadiens

Boss [checking his phone cause his cousin just sent him the hockey score] - I shouldn't be doing this. We don't let staff do use cell phones.

Mabel - You're in the office, no one will ever know. ...If you can trust me.

Scenes from a marriage - In the Nabe

Scene: Husband walking Mabel to where she'll take a bus connection to catsit her friend Swissgirl's cats.

Fernando - In future when you catsit, you should only work day shifts.
Mabel [a night owl] - No. ...No, that's not going to happen.
Fernando - This is a dangerous neighborhood.
Mabel - It's a busy street, look how many cars there are.
Fernando - Driven by Poor & Violent people.
Mabel - Swissgirl and her boyfriend are poor and violent?
Fernando - Well. Well, um, they're--
Mabel - The aristocratic minority and the first to go when the revolution happens?
Fernando - Get that cross-stitching woman! She's a witch!
Mabel - Swissgirl will have to take up a less expensive hobby. ...As a front.

Scenes from a marriage - Jack Bauer

My husband is trying out a new job at work, and today he's working on improving his speed.

Last night Living room
Mabel - You should pretend that I've been kidnapped, and if you don't get the work completed on time, I will die.
Fernando [nods]
Mabel - Or they will send one of the cat's body parts every hour you fall behind. ...First you'll get a severed ear. Then a paw.

Today, Fernando wakes up early.

Mabel - Are you going back to bed?
Fernando - I'm going to make some cheat sheets for work.
Mabel - Go back to bed, get a little extra sleep.
Fernando [gravely] - I can't, otherwise my wife will be killed. ...It's going to be like 24 today.

Scenes from a marriage - nuts

Mabel (eating pistachios) - It's so considerate of pistachios that, as they grow bigger, they split open their own shells.

Fernando - That happens when they steam them.

M - They steam pistachios?

F - Otherwise they're poisonous.

M - Well... they should steam walnuts too.

F - I'm just kidding, they don't steam pistachios.

M - (Disappointed that this technology to pre-crack nuts does not exist.) Were you just practicing your Male Answer Syndrome skills?

F - Something like that.

M - ... ... ... I wish walnuts were like pistachios.


VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE!!


Apparently the technology does exist! And yet still no cracked-open walnuts! Surely we can cross a pistachio with a walnut... a walnachio.

When the [pistachio] fruit ripens, the shell changes from green to an autumnal yellow/red and abruptly splits part way open (see photo). This is known as dehiscence, and happens with an audible pop. The splitting open is a trait that has been selected by humans^[7]. Commercial cultivars vary in how consistently they split open. (wiki)