I just got feedback for my MA essay, from one of my reviewers--she's one of the stats monkeys on staff, and she also does gender stuff. A great prof and researcher.
But as I feared, she gave me alllll kinds of advice for the stats part of the paper... sigh. The main problem with this is, I think somewhere along the way I lost my data set, which means if I want to make any improvements to the model I'll have to rebuild it up again. (I have the original raw data, but you have to recode stuff, and cut out what's not needed, and name things. Running the stats takes two seconds, but coding the data in the first place can be long, and prone to mistakes.)
I keep forgetting to check my folder at school to see if the data's still there. So... ugh. Might as well drag a sleeping bag into school and sleep there for a week. I wish I had this frigging stats program at home, but it costs 1000s of dollars.
What I would rather do is throw that model out, and use my other data set, which I think has less problems in it. But at this point I think I'd have to ask one of my advisers about that. Oh la oh la.
Meanwhile--last weekend was wasted because I had building plumbing problem. The pipes apparently freeze in the garage below, and everyone's kitchen water, from me up to the third floor, all backs up through my sink. I was pushing the building manager to send someone to fix it, from Friday evening onwards, but she insisted all I had to do was ask my neighbors not to use their kitchen sinks til Monday. And when I insisted that they might not listen to me, she hung up on me.
So Sat night the upstairs neighbour used his washing machine, which hooks up to the sink, and my kitchen was flooded. So then she sent a repairman Sunday morning. After calling the neighbour an asshole and trying to blame it all on him.
All in all... I was a total stressazoid. Really it's fighting with her that does it, more than anything else. Fernando's still in Calgary, with bronchitis and pneumonia. When we talked on the phone about this, we decided we should finally move.
This place is cheap (hence the crappy cheap landlord) and well situated (4 bus routes and walking distance from our jobs) but we're willing to pay more money to escape the manager and owner. And this time I want a building that's newer or been renovated. But we can't move til next year, cause it's too late to not renew the lease.
Anyway. I'm excited about moving, but I have to get my mind back on the school work. Come next week I'll have almost non-stop grading until May, so time will be tighter. And if I don't meet the April deadline for this paper, then I'll have to pay another semester's tuition, and that would ruin my summer anyway.
Okay. Off to make supper and do some work. Oh la oh la.
UPDATE: I just remembered I can check my McGill folder from home. It looks like the datasets are still there. PHEW.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Posts from my Week Off
Tue, Feb 26I don't know how many times I've sat by this bedroom window writing political science papers. I can't wait until it's over and I can associate this parking lot view with beautiful beautiful fiction writing.
If I'm ever published, and writing becomes Real Work, maybe I won't regard it as so beautiful. But for now it's a lovely fantasy sitting at the end of the next 7 weeks.
*
I'm sitting here reading about gender inequality and the connection to violence in Somali society... and I have to admit that I do like paper writing a... a little bit. Ahem. I do still love to learn new things. I just don't want to have to write about them and be tested on them. But even the writing isn't bad... I mean, it's still writing. I ahem ahem kind of enjoy the wrestling with verbs and punctuation and adjectives and sentence structure. Ahem ahem. Cough cough. Don't tell anyone.
*
Poor Nombly. He's trying to sleep next to me, but I keep singing along with the Purple Rain soundtrack that I'm listening to under headphones. Sometimes the cats won't stay in the kitchen with me because they're fed up with the constant barrage of sound coming from the stereo.
"Let's go Nombly! Let's get nuts!" I try singing TO him, to make up for it.
...Probably I shouldn't scream out the finale of "The Beautiful Ones."
*
Monday, February 25, 2008
vacation from airwave land
I'm handing over the internet cable very shortly, for the week. Here is one last post--an old one that I wrote on my computer but never put up.
*
I took the day off today as my *weekend.* Since I work both Friday and Sunday, and I need to do readings on Saturday, I realized that I need to do my Nothing At All Without Guilt day earlier in the week. Let's see if this works out (aka feel more like working on Saturday.)
So here was my nice day, which I don't want to end...
12 hours sleep
woke around noon i think
ate homemade bran muffins and baking powder biscuits
watched some things i'd taped off tv, this and that
started a Bond movie
started laundry
looked at new cookbooks, while tv-ing
made Rice Krispie dessert, put to cool in fridge
6-9 PM took a nap with Nombly
half watched High Fidelity on tv, and half cooked
ate pesto & pasta, with mushrooms (new Italian cookbook)
ate huge piece of RK dessert
did internet stuff, mostly sampling and buying music until 5 AM
now i'm sitting in bed listening to my music, and i needed something to do while listening so i'm typing up recipes to blog
maybe i'll read some of Pyongyang (comic book about Nth Korea)
*
I took the day off today as my *weekend.* Since I work both Friday and Sunday, and I need to do readings on Saturday, I realized that I need to do my Nothing At All Without Guilt day earlier in the week. Let's see if this works out (aka feel more like working on Saturday.)
So here was my nice day, which I don't want to end...
12 hours sleep
woke around noon i think
ate homemade bran muffins and baking powder biscuits
watched some things i'd taped off tv, this and that
started a Bond movie
started laundry
looked at new cookbooks, while tv-ing
made Rice Krispie dessert, put to cool in fridge
6-9 PM took a nap with Nombly
half watched High Fidelity on tv, and half cooked
ate pesto & pasta, with mushrooms (new Italian cookbook)
ate huge piece of RK dessert
did internet stuff, mostly sampling and buying music until 5 AM
now i'm sitting in bed listening to my music, and i needed something to do while listening so i'm typing up recipes to blog
maybe i'll read some of Pyongyang (comic book about Nth Korea)
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The History of Me: Chapter 1
I've been trying to trace, lately, the origins of Me. Take the veganism for instance--where does that originate? I loved animals as a child, but don't most kids? I watch a reality show about this family with sextuplets and there's one boy who is ALL about the animals. He knows all their names, and teaches them to his brothers and sisters. How does that happen? I mean, this kid's growing up in the same environment as the others.
Is that genetic? Was I born with the Crazy About Animals gene? You'd think we'd have been weeded out thousands of years ago when we refused to eat meat. Maybe that's why I have a genetic *defect* that retains too much iron--it's most prevalent among Celtic people, and you know where veganism started... Britain! ;-) Then again, given a different environment, C.A.A. gene could also make you turn into a hunter.
I didn't have any baby dollies as a child, it had to be Barbies or stuffed animals. I still own my first stuffies: Tiger and Bunbun. Movies like The Fox and the Hounds TORE me up--I don't think I've ever seen it since (though I did have the sheets.) As an adult I absolutely refuse to watch animal movies (I don't care that they're "just actors!" I don't approve of animal acting anyway.) People often ask if I feel healthier since becoming vegetarian/vegan. No--I never noticed a difference. I didn't do it for health reasons, and I don't believe it's "the natural way" for humans to eat, whatever that means. I just felt that, if I'm going to be such an animal sap that I can't even watch The Bear, then it's hypocritical to partake in their suffering.
Our cat Ernie slept in my bed since I was little. We shared the same favourite blanket--Greenie, the blanket my mother and I picked out for daycare. Ernie used to suck on it. (I still have Greenie around here somewhere, since I couldn't keep Ernie forever.) The last summer Ernie was alive I was painting our house, and he would find the closest bit of shade in the yard, to where I was working; and when I moved up onto the verandah roof, he went indoors, went upstairs to a bedroom, and sat in the window nearest where I was working. Did Ernie make me a vegan?
Maybe there are other factors that have to be present to get us from Animal Loving Child to Vegan. I have very moral parents. My mother taught me to make the connection between my morals and my purchasing power. I think I internalized the idea of integrity from my father--that you have to decide what your core values are, and then attempt to bring the rest of your life into line with it.
So...
1. Animalness in the genes. I also have a rock solid constitution--I can digest anything.
2. there always being a cat or two in the house (probably my mother's influence)
3. one of those cats turning out to be The Great Ernie (chance or Divine Providence--you pick ;-) )
4. the Parental Moral Lessons
5. Church (father's influence) where for 7 years I kept the Jewish food laws (more mental connections between morality and how you live your practical life)
6. a presentation on cattle auctions in a university ethics course
--> here we've reached vegetarianism, with vegan as the long term goal
(About 10-12 years now.)
7. working with Vegan Boy the Tom Cruise Lookalike at work, who was the personal touch I needed to push me over the line
--> veganism
(About 6 years now.)
Hmm. Interesting. Join us next time for "My Attraction to the 1920s." Did it start with Once Upon a Time in America? Or Johnny Dangerously? Find out in the next exciting episode!
Is that genetic? Was I born with the Crazy About Animals gene? You'd think we'd have been weeded out thousands of years ago when we refused to eat meat. Maybe that's why I have a genetic *defect* that retains too much iron--it's most prevalent among Celtic people, and you know where veganism started... Britain! ;-) Then again, given a different environment, C.A.A. gene could also make you turn into a hunter.
I didn't have any baby dollies as a child, it had to be Barbies or stuffed animals. I still own my first stuffies: Tiger and Bunbun. Movies like The Fox and the Hounds TORE me up--I don't think I've ever seen it since (though I did have the sheets.) As an adult I absolutely refuse to watch animal movies (I don't care that they're "just actors!" I don't approve of animal acting anyway.) People often ask if I feel healthier since becoming vegetarian/vegan. No--I never noticed a difference. I didn't do it for health reasons, and I don't believe it's "the natural way" for humans to eat, whatever that means. I just felt that, if I'm going to be such an animal sap that I can't even watch The Bear, then it's hypocritical to partake in their suffering.
Our cat Ernie slept in my bed since I was little. We shared the same favourite blanket--Greenie, the blanket my mother and I picked out for daycare. Ernie used to suck on it. (I still have Greenie around here somewhere, since I couldn't keep Ernie forever.) The last summer Ernie was alive I was painting our house, and he would find the closest bit of shade in the yard, to where I was working; and when I moved up onto the verandah roof, he went indoors, went upstairs to a bedroom, and sat in the window nearest where I was working. Did Ernie make me a vegan?
Maybe there are other factors that have to be present to get us from Animal Loving Child to Vegan. I have very moral parents. My mother taught me to make the connection between my morals and my purchasing power. I think I internalized the idea of integrity from my father--that you have to decide what your core values are, and then attempt to bring the rest of your life into line with it.
So...
1. Animalness in the genes. I also have a rock solid constitution--I can digest anything.
2. there always being a cat or two in the house (probably my mother's influence)
3. one of those cats turning out to be The Great Ernie (chance or Divine Providence--you pick ;-) )
4. the Parental Moral Lessons
5. Church (father's influence) where for 7 years I kept the Jewish food laws (more mental connections between morality and how you live your practical life)
6. a presentation on cattle auctions in a university ethics course
--> here we've reached vegetarianism, with vegan as the long term goal
(About 10-12 years now.)
7. working with Vegan Boy the Tom Cruise Lookalike at work, who was the personal touch I needed to push me over the line
--> veganism
(About 6 years now.)
Hmm. Interesting. Join us next time for "My Attraction to the 1920s." Did it start with Once Upon a Time in America? Or Johnny Dangerously? Find out in the next exciting episode!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Plans Plans
I have a Daring New Plan. When spring break comes, in about a week, I'm going to give my internet cable to my brother. I won't have any grading that week... it'll just be me and the MA essay. The TV I can handle.
I should probably hand over the cookbooks too, but I'm not a masochist. Today I made incredible peanut butter cookies. Now off to make mushroom soup.
I should probably hand over the cookbooks too, but I'm not a masochist. Today I made incredible peanut butter cookies. Now off to make mushroom soup.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
don't boil the bunny
My American Friend read that I would be alone on Valentine's Day, so she called me and we had a good conversation about racial politics. I can't complain too much about my life when I have such fromantic (friend-romantic... I just made it up) and consciousness-raised friends. What more could a girl ask for? (And she was paying long distance too!)
The Husband called later. In his honour, here's a list I made yesterday.
***
For Valentine's Day: 10 Songs That Remind Me of Fernando, in Chronological Order
(Couldn't bring it down to 5, not after 9 years of marriage, 14 years of relationship, and close on 20 years of friendship.)
Over My Head - Fleetwood Mac
This is how I felt when I was still in the crush stage. That nice, bippy feeling. There was no question of dating--I saw very little of him, and it tended to be in waves. In between the waves I'd hear almost nothing from him, and so I'd put him out of my mind and look around for someone else to have a crush on. From about age 15 til my early 20s, this was it.
"You can take me to Paradise
And then again you can be cold as ice
I'm over my head
But it sure feels nice"
*
Dinner With Gershwin - Donna Summer
This is the Intellectual's Love Song. So of course I identified.
"I wanna have dinner with Gershwin
I wanna watch Rembrandt sketch
I wanna talk theory with Curie
I wanna get next to you.
(OMG go watch the video it's so bad! I'd never seen it. Hilarious.)
*
Maybe Love Will Change Your Mind - Stevie Nicks
"I'm beside myself
Cause I don't know and you won't tell"
Stevie put out this awful album in the 90s (even she admits it, she was totally wasted) except for this one song. They played it on the radio the summer I realized I was in love with F., but it didn't look like it was going to Happen.
I almost never listen to this song because it perfectly recalls how desperately sad I was. If he hadn't come around I would have ended the friendship, cause it was too painful.
*
Night in My Veins - The Pretenders
Once he DID give in, the soundtrack took a sharp turn. It was a mixture of simple, innocent Christine McVie and Joan Armatrading love songs -- and this one... which was also on the radio that summer.
*
Guzophela - Zap Mama
There's a couple artists that remind me of F, because he likes them--Phil Collins, Enya. But Zap Mama is one of the bands we watched together at the Jazz Fest that summer when he finally came to his senses.
*
"You Were Always On My Mind" - The Pet Shop Boys (my favourite version--love the old codger in the video)
Yes that's me, the neglectful spouse. This song is horribly accurate in parts.
"If I made you feel second best
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind"
*
Twelfth of Never - Dolly Parton & Keith Urban
I may be the Neglectful Spouse, but my feelings haven't once wavered! ;-)
"I'll love you til the poets run out of rhyme
Until the 12th of never, and that's a long long time"
*
Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
I find it depressing to think that you could at one point in your life feel so much love for someone, and then to one day just not feel that anymore. The thought of Fernando and I feeling that way towards each other is bone chilling. I think that's the underlying thought when I listen to this song.
That Christine McVie... good lyric writer. No syrup.
"To you--I'll give the world
To you--I'll never be cold
Cause I know that when I'm with you it's alright
I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score
And I love, I love you, I love you like never before"
*
Upside Down - Jack Johnson
When this Curious George song/video came out, it immediately made me think of Fernando. That's him all over--curious, trouble making, full of love. It's the closest I can come to expressing why he's the most special person I've ever known.
"I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I've found with everyone"
*
My Love is Your Love - Whitney Houston (written by Wyclef)
It took a years to come across a song that I felt expressed our relationship. Fernando and I aren't very melodramatic, which rules out about 98% of love songs. Leave it to Wyclef to come up with a song that puts strong emotion into a soufflé package. It's Melodrama done deadpan.
If tomorrow is Judgment Day and I'm standing on the front line
And the Lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say
I spent it with you
If I wake up in World War III, I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I wanna go home
It's okay, if you're coming with me
If I lose my fame and fortune, and I'm homeless on the streets
And I'm sleeping in Grand Central Station
It's okay, if you're sleeping with me
As the years they pass us by, we stay young through each others' eyes
And no matter how old we get
It's okay, as long as I've got you babe
If I should die this very day
Don't cry cause on Earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what the people say
I'll be waiting for you after the Judgment Day
Cause your love is my love
And my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
The Husband called later. In his honour, here's a list I made yesterday.
***
For Valentine's Day: 10 Songs That Remind Me of Fernando, in Chronological Order
(Couldn't bring it down to 5, not after 9 years of marriage, 14 years of relationship, and close on 20 years of friendship.)
Over My Head - Fleetwood Mac
This is how I felt when I was still in the crush stage. That nice, bippy feeling. There was no question of dating--I saw very little of him, and it tended to be in waves. In between the waves I'd hear almost nothing from him, and so I'd put him out of my mind and look around for someone else to have a crush on. From about age 15 til my early 20s, this was it.
"You can take me to Paradise
And then again you can be cold as ice
I'm over my head
But it sure feels nice"
*
Dinner With Gershwin - Donna Summer
This is the Intellectual's Love Song. So of course I identified.
"I wanna have dinner with Gershwin
I wanna watch Rembrandt sketch
I wanna talk theory with Curie
I wanna get next to you.
(OMG go watch the video it's so bad! I'd never seen it. Hilarious.)
*
Maybe Love Will Change Your Mind - Stevie Nicks
"I'm beside myself
Cause I don't know and you won't tell"
Stevie put out this awful album in the 90s (even she admits it, she was totally wasted) except for this one song. They played it on the radio the summer I realized I was in love with F., but it didn't look like it was going to Happen.
I almost never listen to this song because it perfectly recalls how desperately sad I was. If he hadn't come around I would have ended the friendship, cause it was too painful.
*
Night in My Veins - The Pretenders
Once he DID give in, the soundtrack took a sharp turn. It was a mixture of simple, innocent Christine McVie and Joan Armatrading love songs -- and this one... which was also on the radio that summer.
*
Guzophela - Zap Mama
There's a couple artists that remind me of F, because he likes them--Phil Collins, Enya. But Zap Mama is one of the bands we watched together at the Jazz Fest that summer when he finally came to his senses.
*
"You Were Always On My Mind" - The Pet Shop Boys (my favourite version--love the old codger in the video)
Yes that's me, the neglectful spouse. This song is horribly accurate in parts.
"If I made you feel second best
I'm so sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind"
*
Twelfth of Never - Dolly Parton & Keith Urban
I may be the Neglectful Spouse, but my feelings haven't once wavered! ;-)
"I'll love you til the poets run out of rhyme
Until the 12th of never, and that's a long long time"
*
Songbird - Fleetwood Mac
I find it depressing to think that you could at one point in your life feel so much love for someone, and then to one day just not feel that anymore. The thought of Fernando and I feeling that way towards each other is bone chilling. I think that's the underlying thought when I listen to this song.
That Christine McVie... good lyric writer. No syrup.
"To you--I'll give the world
To you--I'll never be cold
Cause I know that when I'm with you it's alright
I know it's right
And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score
And I love, I love you, I love you like never before"
*
Upside Down - Jack Johnson
When this Curious George song/video came out, it immediately made me think of Fernando. That's him all over--curious, trouble making, full of love. It's the closest I can come to expressing why he's the most special person I've ever known.
"I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I've found with everyone"
*
My Love is Your Love - Whitney Houston (written by Wyclef)
It took a years to come across a song that I felt expressed our relationship. Fernando and I aren't very melodramatic, which rules out about 98% of love songs. Leave it to Wyclef to come up with a song that puts strong emotion into a soufflé package. It's Melodrama done deadpan.
If tomorrow is Judgment Day and I'm standing on the front line
And the Lord asks me what I did with my life, I will say
I spent it with you
If I wake up in World War III, I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I wanna go home
It's okay, if you're coming with me
If I lose my fame and fortune, and I'm homeless on the streets
And I'm sleeping in Grand Central Station
It's okay, if you're sleeping with me
As the years they pass us by, we stay young through each others' eyes
And no matter how old we get
It's okay, as long as I've got you babe
If I should die this very day
Don't cry cause on Earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what the people say
I'll be waiting for you after the Judgment Day
Cause your love is my love
And my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couldn't hold us
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
top 5 fernandos
Shnoogling with Babzeus and eating Rice Krispie treats and watching High Fidelity. She prefers shnoogling with Fernando, really... I'm a poor second.
I saw High Fidelity years ago, but my friend's recording had reeeeally low sound. I love it when he's reorganizing his album collection. "Chronological?" "No." "...Not alphabetical." "No." "Then what?" "Autobiographical. If I want to listen to Landslide I have to remember that I bought the album for someone in 1983 and then never gave it to them for personal reasons." When I was looking for a job 12 years ago, my intention was to only apply to book stores and record stores first--I would apply to every single one in town, before moving down the list to crappier retail jobs. But I got two Coles offers after about a week of searching, and that was that.
They keep having random "top 5 lists" in this movie. Let me try one. Top 5 things I like about Fernando, at the moment. No particular order.
5. That he has an almost photographic memory, combined with listening to my music collection. It's quite amusing when he walks past in the apartment singing "...coin-operated boy..."
4. If I randomly start singing a song about one of the cats--as I am wont to do--he immediately joins in. "...coin operated Nombs..."
3. He loves cats as much as I do. Even Evil Haley.
2. That he loves romance movies.
1. Laughing with him at Blackadder episodes. Actually, I like watching his reactions to any movie or tv show, because he shows every emotion on his face. Often I look over at him during a really good part in a movie.
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